A Sensitive Person’s Guide to Horror Movies

I was talking to a person who really doesn’t like horror films. When I asked them what constituted a horror film the response was what I expected. Lots of gore and blood. Nothing but ultra violence from beginning to end. We horror fans know that yes some films are like this, but most aren’t. Horror has a wide range of sub genre that no other category of films have. So why is it that horror is represented by the slasher genre? It’s pretty simple. It is the most extreme. Yes I know other genre are more extreme than slasher. Movies like Hostel or what some call torture porn are the far end of horror on the gore scale(some make slasher films look like Disney), but they dont represent horror in that it is an extremely small sub genre. Polls show us few horror fans like those movies, and even fewer non horror fans do. So they are not represented or even though of, since the majority of people see those as non watchable.

So lets take a truthful look at some outstanding films that do not represent what people think are horror films. The complete opposite of the stereotypical HORROR FILM. So if you are only a gore fan, well this will be a disappointing article.   

Arachnophobia (1990)

A rare venomous South American spider hitches a ride to a small California town and spawns a deadly infestation around the house of a doctor who happens to be scared of spiders.

Poltergeist (1982)

A normal, everyday family who confront an in-your-face malevolent presence.

The Village (2004)

A remote village's encounters with creatures in the nearby woods.

 

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)

In a small American town, a diabolical circus and its demonic proprietor prey on the townsfolk.

 

The Birds (1963)

A socialite pursues a potential boyfriend to a small Northern California town that slowly takes a turn for the bizarre when birds of all kinds suddenly begin to attack people. *For those who dont know why the birds are attacking(and Ive heard many people ask), just listen to Hitchcock at the beginning.

Insidious(2010)

A family looks to prevent evil spirits from trapping their comatose child in a realm called The Further. *All the Insidious films rated PG13, so any or all of them apply.

1408 (2007)

A man who specializes in debunking paranormal occurrences checks into the fabled room 1408 in the Dolphin Hotel. Soon after settling in, he confronts genuine terror.

Willard (2003)

A young man with an unusual connection to rats uses them at his own sociopathic will. *There is a 1971 film also, but I enjoy the 2003 version better. Both are great films.

House II: The Second Story (1987)

The new owner of a sinister house gets involved with reanimated corpses and demons searching for an ancient Aztec skull with magic powers.

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

After being rescued and brought to an island, a man discovers that its inhabitants are experimental animals being turned into strange-looking humans, all of it the work of a visionary doctor.

Cloverfield (2008)

A group of friends venture deep into the streets of New York on a rescue mission during a rampaging giant monster attack.

Mars Attacks! (1996)

Earth is invaded by Martians with unbeatable weapons and a cruel sense of humor.

Jaws (1975)

A local sheriff, a marine biologist and an old seafarer team up to hunt down a great white shark wreaking havoc in a beach resort.

　

　

　

　

　

Talk like a Pirate day

Since it is Talk like a Pirate day. Lets have some pirate fun. When I say fun, I mean vengeful undead pirates.

Horror Themed Kids Shows

We all watched them when we were young. They entertained, inspired, and scared us, yet we came back again for more. Regardless of it being Saturday, or weekdays after school, we saw and absorbed every second of these shows that gave us our first taste of horror.

I was browsing around the bottomless pit of time wasting we call the Internet, and came across a picture of a old TV guide spread for the new(back then) shows coming that fall on Saturday morning. I remember them, and it felt great. With each show, a flood of memories came back. I spent the next 2 hours just looking for old Saturday morning advertisements. I even looked at a few from way before I was born. I had a ball.
Then I though there is a huge number of horror themed shows from my childhood. Matter of fact, since the beginning of TV. So I though it would be great to compile a list of some of my personal favorites. So lets go down memory lane to our childhood.

Beetlejuice

All the way back in the “before time” around 1988, Tim Burton made a horror comedy about newly dead people who needed to get a dopey family out of their house and called on a “Bio-Exorcist” to do it. Only a short year later, Beetlejuice became a cartoon and forgot all about the newly dead couple. Instead, it focused on the (decidedly less pervy) Beetlejuice’s friendship with goth human Lydia Deetz, who lives with her parents. Most of the show’s episodes took place in the Neitherworld (the afterlife) and that’s where all the scary stuff came in. The look of the cartoon was especially macabre.

The Real Ghostbusters

While this program, based on the behemoth film from 1984, eventually became very kiddish and safe, the first couple seasons of The Real Ghostbusters were doing some weird and definitely horror-filled things. I think they fought every kind of monster imaginable through the run of the series.

Tales from the Cryptkeeper

Yes, of course let’s make a cartoon series based on a super-adult HBO show which in turn was based on hyper-gory comic books from the ’50s. That sounds like a great idea. And, actually, it was. What made the EC Comics and HBO show great was the anthology aspect of the stories, and the fact that they could always blend the violence and a strand of dark comedy. While the cartoon series didn’t have nearly the mean streak as the earlier material, it did maintain the level of scares by ensuring the animation style stay as true to the EC Comics origins as possible without showing anything graphic, since the stories also focused on kids.

Are You Afraid of the Dark

 
This new take on the campfire story(my favorite), this show revolved around a group of teenagers who referred to themselves as "The Midnight Society". Every episode, at a secret location in the woods at night, one member would tell a scary story to the group. The actual story, rather than the telling, was showed. Each storyteller would begin their story by saying "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story, (story name)", at which point he or she would toss a handful of "midnight dust" from a leather pouch into a campfire to heighten the flames and produce an eerie white smoke. Then the story began.

Goosebumps

 

Based on the book series. The opening starts with a man dressed in black carrying his briefcase up a hill. The name engraved on the briefcase reveals the mysterious man to be Goosebumps' author, R,L. Stine. A strong wind blows, opening Stine's case, and his papers fly out, one of which turns into a "G" seen on the Goosebumps logo, and glides through an unnamed town. It is an anthology of kids, pre-teens, and teenagers finding themselves in eerie and unusual situations, typically involving supernatural elements.

Eerie, Indiana

The series revolves around Marshall Teller, a teenager whose family moves to the desolate town of Eerie, Indiana, population of 16,661. While moving into his new home, he meets Simon Holmes, one of the few normal people in Eerie. Together, they are faced with bizarre scenarios. This show is like a kids version of the Twilight Zone, except they live in it, instead of visiting it.

Scooby-Doo

If you don’t know who Scooby is, then what deep cave do you live by, and what is the rent? Everyone knows who Scooby-Doo is. Here is the premise in a nutshell. A group (two boys, two girls, and a dog) travel in a van named the Mystery Machine, solving mysteries. For many of us, this was our earliest introduction to the genre.Their has been dozens of shows and movies staring all or a few of the gang, but the plot is still the same. They solve mysteries.

Gargoyles

This is a great show that goes beyond the boundaries of a mere kids’ cartoon. It’s an epic, sprawling series with tragic heroes who are incredibly vulnerable by day but powerful heroes at night. He was an awesome hero who always did what was right.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Why? Because I am a Tomato fan. This is one of oddest choices to get their own television series. This one is of course, based on the monster movie spoof series in the seventies and eighties. The series follows a pizza delivery boy and his friend, who is part tomato herself. They try to stop Dr. Putrid T. Gangreen from taking over the world with his army of tomatoes.

Looney Tunes

Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Sylvester, and the rest of them have represented almost all of the horror movies genre, and stories at one time or another. They even had famous horror stars doing voices. So we had to include them. How hasn’t anyone over the age of 30 not watched everything from a mad scientist to monsters going after our favorite toons. Unfortunately, now they are viewed as too violent and are hard if not impossible to find on tv(because apparently kids today are too stupid to understand they shouldn’t do these things at home).


Honorable mention

These are just some of the monster/horror themed shows through the years. Notice the movie/classic story influences. Groovie Goolies, Addams Family, Teen Wolf, Toonsylvania, Aaahh! Real Monsters, The Milton The Monster Show, The Drak Pack, Mutant League, Godzilla, Sigmon the Sea Monster, King Kong, Toxic Crusaders, The Grim Adventures of Bill and Mandy, Casper, Filmation's Ghostbusters, Frankenstein Jr., Dingbat, Buford and the Galloping Ghost, Clue Club, Goober and the Ghost Chasers, Batfink, Bone Chillers, Danny Phantom, Monster Squad (1976), Fangface, Little Shop, Mummies Alive, Winsome Witch.

Did I miss a show? Comment below and tell us about it.

Great Horror Parody Movies

When asked what are my favorite kinds of movies, the answer is easy; comedy and horror. Along with with being scared, I love to laugh. And sometimes nothing makes me laugh harder than a great spoof. I’m not talking about horror comedies, but over the top making fun of serious pre-existing horror. Usually people get those confused, and it burns my biscuits. They are completely different sub categories of horror.

The great thing about these flicks is that they contain homages to lots of your favorite films. One of my favorite parts is to sit and pick out which movie is which. And I always marvel at a writer who can seamlessly entwine so many different aspects into a single film. Now for the criteria; these are spoofs, not just comedies. You won’t see Shaun of the Dead in here and you won’t see Tucker and Dale vs Evil. While those films are indeed hilarious(and two of my favorite), they are not spoofs. So I compiled a list of some of my favorite horror parody films. As always, these are in no particular order, so read on and see if you agree with me.

Scary Movie 1-5 

I liked all 5 of them. These movies spoofs everything. I can turn my brain off and enjoy adolescent comedy. Plus you will see horror stars who do everything from cameo’s to full blown characters. Some people do not like all of them, and that is fine, but they are not made to be serious comedy. It is slapstick and dumb humor. You either like it or not.

Love at First Bite

 

This film is a traditional spoof from the Dracula mythos, it is definitely lampooning all those that came before. It is stylish and funny and has George Hamilton. It is the modern Dracula story, meaning the 70‘s, what could be better.

Wacko

 

This one makes me mad. More people should know about it. It has Joe Don Baker, Julia Duffy, Stella Stevens, George Kennedy and even Andrew Dice Clay. Cops are searching madly for the “Lawnmower Killer.” Maybe Peter Jackson might have got a few Ideas from this.

 

Pandemonium

Here is another from the vault that gets no play. The cast list on this one is huge. Tom Smothers, Eve Arden, Judge Reinhold, Carol Kane, Paul Reubens(pre-PeeWee but you can tell he is fleshing out the character), it’s a who’s who film for the time. This is classic spoofing and it is great. Cheerleaders are getting killed at camp and the brave Canadian Mounty must do what he can to stop it.

　

Saturday the 14th 1&2

Those films come up a lot on my lists. How could they not? It parodies everything from Jaws to Dracula and even has a bathtub scene(I think Freddy must have watched this). Like the Scary Movie films, you dont have to watch them in order. My favorite one is Strikes Back(pt2). If you had HBO in the 80‘s then I bet you have watched these, a lot.

Young Frankenstein
 

The seventies and early eighties were when spoofs were golden. This may be the best spoof of them all. Marty Feldman bugs his eyes, Gene Wilder fluffs his hair, Teri Garr looks smokin’ and Cloris Leachman, well she has a special relationship with horses. There are so many quotable lines I couldn’t even begin to pick out the ones I love the most. “Put ze candle back.”, “Frau Blücher” [horses whinny]. 

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

You can not have a spoof list without Leslie Nielsen. It is just impossible. So why try. Another spoof from the mind of Mel Brooks. This time he's out to poke fun at the Dracula myth. Basically, he took "Bram Stoker's Dracula," gave it a new cast and a new script and made a big joke out of it. The usual, rich English are attacked by Dracula and Dr. Van Helsing is brought in to save the day. How can you not like a movie that takes practically every word spoken by Dracula from the classic 1931 movie and makes fun of it.

Hysterical

The Hudson Brothers film that people either like or dislike. Here is the premise; A burned out writer retreats to a northwest town called Hellview to write the great American novel. Unfortunately for him, the lighthouse he is renting is inhabited by the spirit of a woman who killed herself there one hundred years before and now wants him to replace her lost love, Captain Howdy. When Captain Howdy is resurrected, two daring adventure seekers are brought in to solve the case and find out the secret of the lighthouse. This is another one HBO showed every other day back in the 80‘s. It has a good cast of TV stars and Robert Donner in a rain coat yelling “You’re Doomed” That alone is worth watching it.

Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th

Made before Scary Movie, but was released after it. This movie is just a strait up rip on all the killer/stalker teen movies. It is slapstick comedy and juvenile humor. If you are a fan of Scary Movie films, then you should be a fan of this.

The Walking Deceased

I am not a fan of the TV series, but am a fan of the comic. And this tears into the whole Dead series. I was surprised I would like it as much as I did when I saw the trailer; with a tagline like “When a police officer wakes up in a hospital to find out he is in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, he will do anything to find his family, even sacrifice Twitter.” But it was stupid fun. I laughed and enjoyed myself. Be warned. If you are a fan of the TV series, you might hate it. Because for some reason, a lot of fans hate it. And I have no idea why. It was a fun watch.

The Silence of the Hams 

Another spoof of what some consider untouchable films. This time it is Silence of the Lambs. As with most good parodies, the stars have come out to act. This one is full of them. If the saying “You are what you eat”, then this cast ate a lot of ham and very few turkeys! Comedy from beginning to end.

Transylvania Twist

This film is a huge love letter for fans of 80's horror movies. The pre-credits sequence alone is great if you've seen (and enjoyed) Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The rest of the movie is good too, it is Roger Corman spoofing himself. It all revolves around a book of evil, a dead uncle, and a fight to keep the book. It has a host of stars from other horror movies, and some dead ones.

Godzilla Run Times

Who doesn’t love a good old fashion giant monster battle that destroys everything and anybody around it. Claws, tails, teeth, and a host of radioactive attacks, from fire breath, to laser eyes. Since the 1950‘s we have had a new Godzilla movie to fill our desire of wanton destruction ever few years. But it seems the younger fans are complaining about their not being enough screen time given to the big green King. Well we have the run times of the King of Monsters in his best movies in the Showa and Heisei productions. So lets get to the totals.

SHOWA

Gojira - (8:45 out of 96 minutes) 9.1%

Godzilla: King of the Monsters - (8:45 out of 80 minutes) 10.9%

Godzilla Raids Again - (8:30 out of 82 minutes) 10.0%

King Kong vs. Godzilla - (9:15 out of 97 minutes) 9.5%

Mothra vs. Godzilla - (10:30 out of 88 minutes) 11.9%

Ghidorah: The Three Headed Monster - (8:00 out of 93 minutes) 8.6%

Monster Zero - (5:45 out of 94 minutes) 6.1%

Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster - (13:00 out of 87 minutes)14.9%

Son of Godzilla - (12:00 out of 86 minutes) 13.9%

Destroy All Monsters - (8:30 out of 89) 9.5%

Godzilla's Revenge - (8:15 out of 70 minutes) 11.8%

Godzilla vs. Hedorah - (20:30 out of 85 minutes) 24.1%

Godzilla vs. Gigan - (16:15 out of 89 minutes) 18.6%

Godzilla vs. Megalon - (10:30 out of 81 minutes) 12.9%

Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla - (8:00 out of 84 minutes) 9%

Terror of MechaGodzilla - (9:30 out of 83 minutes) 11.5%

Showa average: 12.1% or 10.4 minutes.

 

HEISEI

The Return of Godzilla - (19:00 out of 103 minutes) 18.4%
Godzilla vs. Biollante - (16:45 out of 104 minutes) 16.1%
Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah - (14:45 out of 103 minutes) 14.3%
Godzilla & Mothra: Battle for Earth - (15:15 out of 102) 15%
Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla 2 - (27:00 out of 102) 26.5%
Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla - (19:45 out 108) 18.2%
Godzilla vs. Destoroyah - (20:15 out of 103) 19.6%

Heisei average: 18.3% or 18.9 minutes.

So there we have it kids. On average Godzilla has around 15 minutes of screen per movie. But what a action packed 15 minutes that is. I will admit, I was surprised at some of these totals. But it is what it is. So lets order our tickets now for the next movie. However in the mean time, lets pop in our favorite Zilla movie and relive some happy childhood memories.

Ticket

What Exactly is Jason Voorhees

It is a question people have been asking since the series was new. The hulking unstoppable killing machine has a huge body count, to become one of the most iconic monsters of horror history. So we not only need but deserve an explanation of what exactly this killing force is. Most people have decided that he is a zombie, or some kind of demon. Well I have a different theory on this. Jason is a Frankenstein(Monster for you purest). I will explain how Jason can take huge amounts of damage and still come back from it. So in essence, he is a Flesh Golem. So we are going to go over most the whole series. So spoiler alert, if you have never seen them(stop living in a cave and go watch them).

Lets start with the Friday the 13th(1980) This is the origin story. But as we find out, the killer is not Jason, but his mother Pamela. Matter of fact, Jason is not even in the movie at all. The cameo of him coming out of the water to grab Alice is a hallucination or dream. She wakes up in the hospital after decapitating Pamela. So we can skip this one in the mythos of Jason.

Friday the 13 Pt.2(1981) is when we finally see Jason for the first time. He did not drown in the lake as a child, but had been living a hermit life alone in the woods surrounding the lake. When his mother is killed, Jason seeks revenge. So he finds where Alice lives and kills her. He then goes back to the lake. 5 years later the camp is reopened, and apparently Jason doesn’t like trespassers. Donning a burlap sack as a mask, Jason goes about killing the counselors. Ginny however, chops him in the shoulder with a machete. She assumes the blow kills him, then Paul and her run back to the house where Jason grabs Ginny after busting through a window. Then Ginny wakes up in up being loaded into a ambulance. The fate of Paul or Jason is left as a mystery. We can assume Paul is dead, and Jason is not, since the machete blow was not as bad as it seemed. So for now, Jason is still alive, however with a shoulder injury.

We knew Friday the 13th Pt.3(1982) was coming. The last part left too many unanswered questions. Right out of the gate we see a injured Jason going to a store close to the lake where he kills the owners and gets a new set of clothes(and medical supplies we can assume). He then heads back to the lake but stops in a barn of a rather nice summer home to rest. He goes about killing everyone around and gets his world famous hockey mask. However in the end he receives a ax to the head and left for dead, then Chris gets into a canoe until the police comes. We are assuming Jason is finally dead. But we find out in the next movie otherwise.

Friday the 13th The Final Chapter(1984) takes place only hours after the ending in Pt.3. We find Jason in the morgue at the hospital. He awakes in cold storage, and escapes(after killing a coroner and nurse) back to Crystal Lake. Lucky for Jason, the mask helped stop the ax blow.Since this is a slasher film, we get a new group of teens to watch being killed. The plot is pretty much the same as the rest; Jason goes around killing til only 2 people are left, Trish and her 12 year old brother Tommy. Trish fights Jason, while Tommy comes up from behind and chops Jason in the side of the head with a machete. When he notices one of his fingers twitch, little Tommy acts like a Japanese chief and dices up Jason with the before mentioned machete. Now finally after 3(well kinda 4) movies, Jason has finally been killed. These first 4 movies are not about a supernatural killer, but a insane mentally challenged killer and his insane killer mother. See this is why the movie is called “The Final Chapter” Jason is dead.

You know when a franchise is liked as much as Ft13th, it will either get a continued story, spinoff, or remake. You do not stop a money making juggernaut. So they made a Friday the 13th A New Beginning(1985). Well of course it is a new beginning, Jason died in the last film. So now he is a undead monster? Nope. Tommy from the last film goes through therapy and lives at a halfway house. One of the people living there kills another tenet, and the body is found by the his father who snaps and starts killing people dressed as Jason. When the reviews from fans came in, they were so negative, the studio did a 180 on the idea of Jason is gone. Horror fans can and are very finicky, and just like Halloween 3, fans demanded the real Jason back.

As the old saying goes, “Hit while the iron is hot”. Well the studio did. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives(1986) came out at the end of summer. We now see a older Tommy going back to Crystal Lake to cremate the remains of Jason who he is still having hallucinating about. Him and a buddy dig up Jason’s grave, but when seeing the body he has a flashback and stabs the body with a metal fence post. While he gets control of himself, luck would have it, that the metal pole is struck by two lighting bolts. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, Jason is revived with lighting. Now he a reanimated corpse. Jason grabs the mask Tommy brought with him(why?) and kills his friend. Tommy goes to the police but they dont believe him. Jason then goes around killing everyone around the lake. In the end, Tommy ties a chain around Jason and throws the rock anchor into the lake. But of course, he doesn’t need to breath, so Jason sits patiently at the bottom of the lake. This is also where we see some of the Frankenstein traits. He tears the arm off a paint ball player, just like the monster did in the classic film. Not needing oxygen while chained to the bottom of the lake like the Monster doesnt need air while submerged in the sulfur pits.

That is as far as I am going in the franchise since the rest are of a reanimated Jason. In a nutshell, he kills, then is injured, he rests, then repeats. I just wanted to show how Jason became the way he was. For 4 movies, Jason was human, dead for 1 movie, and was reanimated for 6(pt.9 we try to forget). Just like the Frankenstein Monster, Jason exhibits superstrenth, stamina, endurance, and immune to injury. When he takes damage, he lays dormant for awhile til his strength returns, and he again goes on a killing spree. He is smarter than a zombie, but dumber than a demon. He is a modern day Frankenstein.