Monday, December 19, 2016

Cold Shoulder

I walk the same dark street alone, always alone. Day in and day out, it is the same endless street. I speak to people that are walking along, but no one answers me. I don’t know what I have done in my small town to be shunned like this. Every so often I see family members and they ignore me too. I saw my cousin but she wouldn’t make eye contact, my so called buddies even ignore me.
I just keep walking and sleeping whenever I get tired. I have lost chunks ...of my day and then I'm walking the dark cold street to my house again. I sometimes forget the day or even what time it is. I’m going to have to go see a doctor, something must be wrong with me. Maybe in my blackouts I have done something wrong? I’m almost too scared to even try to get help. What if it’s a tumor? What if it can’t be cured?
I wish someone would just talk to me. I pray, “Please someone talk to me, tell me what’s happening. What did I do to you all? To exclude me like this is like a searing pain like I’ve never felt before. I am so incredibly alone. It’s a dark crushing weight on my soul. I can’t take it any more.”
I stop walking and yell out “Please. Anyone? Anyone?” I scream into the cold dark night. I scream until I can’t scream anymore. No one takes any notice of me. No one even looks my way.
I just sit on the sidewalk. I am exhausted. Both physically and menially. I scratch my wrist and feel a pain. I look down and notice the red jagged cut across my wrist. Then it dawns on me. This is my punishment. There is no fire and brimstone. There is my special hell for suicide.

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